Apparently you make a good broom.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
