i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
