i need an iv and a liver transplant
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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