Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
