Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
