mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
