yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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