Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
