I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
