The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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