So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize