I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
