God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
