Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
