Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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