nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
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