Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
