Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
