You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
