the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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