I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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