Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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