I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
