At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
