I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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