wanna go halves on a baby?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
