all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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