You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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