I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
