Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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