So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
