So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
