Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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