Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just invented taco cereal.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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