cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
