I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
