I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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