Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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