Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
