I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
