What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
