My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize