If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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