You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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