while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
