Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
