i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
