I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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