im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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