His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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