i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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