when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
