I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
