If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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