I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
