Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
