ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
