the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We need to rekindle our bromance
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
