I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
