Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
